How to Keep Patience and Peace of Mind
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Parent-child relationships change as you reach your own adulthood, and your roles may shift. But what if your parents become more and more difficult, or seem irrational, with age? How can you stay patient and respectful while keeping your own peace of mind?
Draw Clear Boundaries
Corrine Ptacek, of Roselle, IL, lives about 40 minutes from her parents. Her father has Alzheimerâs disease and gets care through the VA. But dealing with her difficult mother makes things worse for Ptacek, the oldest of three grown daughters.
âIâve turned over my role as heath care designate for my dad to my sister,â she says, adding that her mother wonât support care decisions or share paperwork. â[My mother] would like us to attend doctorsâ appointments but doesn’t work with our schedules and doesnât work with us in helping her with daily tasks.â All three sisters work full-time in demanding jobs and have their own families.
When her mother fell, she refused in-home physical therapy and insisted that Ptacekâs father, who already had dementia, drive her to appointments. This caused a lot of fear and worry, Ptacek says.
âParents may make demands on you that you are unwilling or unable to meet,â says Steven Zarit, PhD, a professor and department head of human development and family studies at Penn State University in University Park, PA. âIt could be about how much you visit or help them with daily activities or about moving in with you. And as you probably know already, a demanding parent will not become less demanding just because you have given in on a particular issue.â
Zarit suggests taking a calm moment to think about what you can and canât handle. âMake a list and be very specific,â he says. âYou might talk the list over with a spouse or siblings. Make the list your guideline. Do the things you are willing to do, and draw the line over the things you won’t do.â
Also, resist the urge to argue. âYou don’t have to provide a reason or try to win an argument,â Zarit says. âJust stick to your decision not to provide this help and end the conversation.â
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If youâd tried this approach but still feel distress, or if your parent balks at the boundaries, itâs time to bring in a pro. Zarit suggests finding a psychologist or social worker, or other geriatric mental health specialist with expertise in this area.
âThey can be hard to find, but it’s worthwhile to do some searching. They will be able to evaluate the situation and help you plan out a course of action, including setting boundaries.â
Know What You Canât Control
âI think one of the biggest challenges for caregivers and situations is identifying what you can and canât control,â says Christina Irving, a licensed clinical social worker. âEven when there is dementia, we canât force people to do certain things we want them to do.â
For example, you may want your parents to eat better, use a cane, or have in-home care. But they say no. âAt the end of the day, they still have the right to make their choices, even if we donât like their choices,â says Irving, who is client services director at the Family Caregiver Alliance at the National Center on Caregiving in San Francisco.
âThatâs whatâs difficult: being the adult when your parents need [help], and not reverting to the child role,â Ptacek says. Another big issue is her motherâs expectations of her care. âMy mom cared for her mother, and [my grandmother] lived with us,â she says. âMom is thinking we âoweâ her the same attentiveness she provided her mother. Thatâs not happening with any of us.â
Anxiety and fear about whatâs going to happen, as well as guilt, can come into play too, Irving says. Individual counseling can be key for family caregivers. âYouâre dealing with your whole history. Sometimes itâs good, and sometimes itâs not so good.â No matter your very best efforts, itâs important to understand you canât control everything.
Find the âWhyâ in a Dispute
It can help to think about reasons your parent may be arguing with you, Zarit says. âOne thing is their own anger and fear over needing help. No one likes to feel dependent. ⊠Also, keep in mind that you are their child. They may not want to accept advice from you, no matter how rational it might seem to you.â
Instead of getting swept up, take a breather to dial down the conflict. Zarit recommends mindfulness training to help lessen stress and keep calm. Rooted in Buddhism, but no longer just religion-based, the practice teaches you to stay in the present with a focus on your breath. A geriatric mental health specialist can also help you come up with other ways to keep the peace.
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Reach Out for Help
Every state in the U.S. has funding through the National Family Care Support system that you can tap into, Irving says. They can help you find local resources that can connect you with help.
Also, even if youâre not a âsupport groupâ person, they can help you learn more about specific diseases like Alzheimerâs and Parkinsonâs.
âAnother thing that a mental health professional can do is help you understand some of the reasons for your parent’s behavior,â Zarit says. âThe first thought many people have is that difficult behavior is due to dementia, but it may also be the result of a mental health problem or their anxiety and depression over the difficulties they are having in managing everyday life. Knowing the likely cause may lead to a treatment that helps.â
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