Toxic Parents: How to Manage Them
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Though she didnât yet know the term âtoxic,â Rashawnda James knew something was very off about her relationship with her mother when she was just 13 years old. âI realized that in the conversations at school that they were talking as though their parents were around a lot,â she says.
Jamesâs parent, a crack cocaine addict, wasnât. âThere were times when I had to go search for my mother because I didnât know where she was,â James says. âI felt responsible for my mom. Once I made that connection, I knew it was unhealthy.â
Common Toxic Traits
Signs you might have a toxic parent include:
- Theyâre self-centered. They donât think about your needs or feelings.
- Theyâre emotional loose cannons. They overreact, or create drama.
- They overshare. They share improper info with you, like details about their intimate lives. They use you as their main source of emotional support.
- They seek control. They might use guilt and money to get you to do what they want.
- Theyâre harshly critical. Nothing you do is ever good enough. They donât respect your good traits or achievements.
- They lack boundaries. They might show up unasked at your home, or attack your life choices.
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Now an Atlanta-based licensed therapist, author, and self-care expert, James can name her motherâs toxic behaviors. These include manipulation and gaslighting, a technique that makes you question your ability to tell whatâs true or really happening. âAs a child, I couldnât avoid my mother. I couldnât set boundaries,â James says. âThe lines were blurred. There was no filter.â
However, her mother managed to involve James in positive activities. âThat became my safe haven,â James says. She excelled at track and field. One organization offered free therapy when she was in 12th grade. âIt literally changed my life,â she says. That same counselor became her supervisor years later when James decided to become a therapist.
Get Rid of Guilt
âAs adults, we have choices that we didnât have as children, and weâre not required to always do what our parents want,â says Sharon Martin, a licensed clinical social worker in San Jose, CA. Sheâs the author of The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism and The Better Boundaries Workbook.
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If you were raised to respect your elders, obey your parents, and please them at all costs, setting boundaries can seem foreign. Martin urges her clients to challenge that mindset. “Remember your parentsâ inability to love, accept, and value you arenât your fault, and don’t have to do with your shortcomings.
âFor example, consider whether you think itâs wrong to set boundaries, ask to be treated with respect, prioritize your or your immediate familyâs needs above your parentsâ, or limit how much time you spend with your parents,â she says. âWould you tell a close friend that theyâre wrong to do these things in response to yelling, manipulation, lying, harsh criticism, smear campaigns, or threats?â
Donât Try to Change Them
A big âahaâ moment for James was realizing she couldnât be the reason for her mom to stop doing drugs. âI became the golden child. I thought, if I do well, she would possibly stay clean. If I graduate from high school ⊠college⊠.â And on and on.
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âI had to start living my life, and let go of it,â she says.
âItâs normal to want to please your parents, no matter your age,â Martin says. âBut be realistic about whether itâs possible, and what your efforts are costing you emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, and spiritually.â
âThe most harmful thing to do to yourself is to believe you can fix them,â James agrees. âIf you know that, you donât have to stay there and take what theyâre giving you. You can choose yourself. It releases you, when you donât have to fix something.â
Boundaries Are Key
Fifteen years later, Jamesâs mother is clean. The two live 22 minutes from each other and talk about twice a day, though they did take a 2-year break. James stresses that while she chooses to carry on their relationship with her mom, you must do whatâs best for you.
âItâs taken me 10 years of me enforcing the boundaries,â James says. âI say âNo, Mom. I canât give you money.â âNo Mom, I canât be this for you.â âI canât go over there where those people make me uncomfortable, but youâre free to come over here.ââ
âJust because sheâs my mother, her priorities donât have to outweigh mine,â she adds.
It helps that her mom has become more self-aware over time, and sometimes can catch herself in old patterns.
No Need to Explain
Have a short stock response to questions about why youâre not in contact with your parents, i.e., âIâm not talking to my parents because theyâre emotionally abusive.â This can help you remember why youâve set limits, even if others donât get it.
âWhen others judge or criticize your decision to limit contact or set other boundaries with your parents, itâs usually because they assume you have emotionally healthy parents who treat you with respect,â Martin says. âBut youâre limiting contact because your parents are treating you poorly. And your parents donât get a free pass to mistreat you simply because theyâre your parents.â
You still donât owe anyone a reason, though, Martin adds. âYou have the right to say, âI donât want to talk about it.ââ
Practice Self-Care
Children of toxic parents might not be used to taking care of themselves, Martin says. âUse a mantra such as, âSelf-care isnât selfish,â or âMy needs matter,â or âIâm an adult and have the right to make my own choices.ââ
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James plans a self-care activity such as journaling or exercising after she spends time with her mother. âI love to journal. Itâs a great way to have an internal dialogue, to release my thoughts. I donât keep my thoughts inside and burden myself with that,â she says. She also loves dance workouts to music from Miami, as Florida is her home state.
Listening to gospel music is another way she keeps grounded. It helps me realize that my struggle isn’t just my burden, she says. âItâs a good reminder that my mom is not my responsibility. God can do more than what I could ever do for her.â
Set Up a Support System
âA support system is essential,â Martin says. She suggests support groups, or individual therapy with someone who works in narcissistic abuse, developmental trauma, or codependency.
To find a therapist, call your insurance company or go online and get a list of providers. If you donât have insurance, affordable online options include Telehealth and BetterHelp.
Change Your Story
âAt an early age, I saw what life was, and I made a commitment to myself not to repeat that cycle,â James says. âI didnât have the road map or the blueprint, but since 12th grade, Iâve gained the tools to live in a more healthy and positive way.â
Sheâs raising her three children with these in mind. For example, she doesnât overshare, as her own mother did. âI really try to maintain their innocence as much as possible,â she says. âI donât burden my children with other peopleâs problems. I allow them to see my emotions, because I want them to know a full spectrum.
âI follow the principle that my bounds of happiness are not placed in others, places, or things. I can be anywhere, I can have anything, and still find joy. Thatâs one of my superpowers!â
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